Category: Five Thing Essays

The Blessed Life

five thing essay: a multifold perspective

Zionism needs to be understood within the context wherein it developed. I am only learning now about the complex history of the Zionist movement that began in the late 1800’s, despite the yearning for Israel that has permeated the souls of the Jewish people ever since our expulsion at the hands of Rome about two-thousand years ago.

Today, I am less inclined to partake of the fancies of the world, for they are truly sheker (vanity). Compared to what HaShem has in store for His people, this world of materiality pales in comparison. And, so, I attempt to remain “interiorly detached” from the things of this world. It’s as if I am focusing on the end game, when Messiah will reign from Jerusalem.

 Detachment from worldly things, emotions and relationships is an underlying theme and goal in my life. It is not so much an asceticism; rather, something akin to the austere life of those whose only companion is the silence of the soul’s sanctuary. As if there is an imaginary ark, present within the midst of the distractions of life. Most of the pastimes that are not in accord with my derech, I left behind many years ago. Yet, there are still many challenges along the way.

 Eighteen years as a ba’al teshuvah, partaking of the amenities and benefits of the local shul that I attend. Yet, where will my spiritual journey lead from here? Am I being called elsewhere? I intend to fulfill the mitzvah of kibud av v’em, specifically, in regard to becoming my mother’s caretaker, as she did for my father, her husband, who passed in 2018.

Perhaps, this is a prime example of following the commandments to a degree in our lives wherein it is clear, that we are living up to the expectations of HaShem. For, Torah does not exist in a vacuum; rather, it is meant to be applied to our lives. I always joke that the easiest mitzvah for me to fulfill is growing a beard. All I need to do is wake up every morning and not shave.

Soon, I will be waking up every morning and walking six miles to the independent living facility where my mother lives, and helping her with tasks throughout the day. On Shabbos, we will attend services and have shalom bayis, if HaShem permits. It is not easy for anyone to take this kind of responsibility upon oneself for the sake of a parent. Yehi ratzon, all will be well.

©2024 Tzvi Fievel all rights reserved

An Honest Appraisal

Five Thing Essay: Sluggishness

Somewhere between disinterest and overconcern, lies the peace of mind that comes with resting in the assurance that HaShem is sovereign over the events in the lives of my loved ones, and will bring them to a correct realization of the truth in due time. Yet, what will be my role in their conversion of heart? The question remains elusive. So, I will focus on my own derech.

Remove the orlah (obstacles) between yourself and HaShem. How may this be done in an effective manner? This involves teshuvah (repentance) – a return to G-d; however, it may not be as simple as applying oneself to the observance of the mitzvot within the framework of yiddishkeit. The orlah itself may be preventing this from being brought into actuality. Therefore, it may be necessary to work on oneself, in order to improve upon the detriments of the soul, transforming them into a mindset that is open to “receiving the Torah everyday.”

For myself, this includes dealing with a sluggishness at times, that may have its roots in concerns that negatively impact my emotions. And, so, I understand through my experience, the need to resolve emotional issues, in order to find a place of equanimity, from wherein to approach G-d in prayer, and ultimately rely on Him, despite not being able to rely on others within my familial and social milieu. Only G-d can provide the needs that we seek at the depth of our being.

Then, there is the recurring theme of the “pain of the generations,” as per my awareness of my ancestral past, and the shadows of my lineage. Not even my family is bothered the past. They are too busy living their lives in the present, irrespective of the value of heritage. What a tragic loss.

Within the midst of the chaotic unravelling of my life at times, sometimes, I feel “inflated.” At other times, I feel “deflated.” Perhaps, this is a pattern that needs to be examined further. I am too easily affected by my surroundings, conditions and circumstances. What will prevail upon me one day is gone the next. Perhaps, this is because I am irresolute about my own commitments. So, again and again, I reach out to HaShem to have mercy on me.