Category: journal

Darkness into Light

Recently, I have been reflecting upon whether or not to begin disclosing material of a personal nature, especially in regard to my past. The primary question of mine has been how to bring the experience of my past out into the open with friends and family. However, it struck me that it might be easier to do so, even in a more comprehensive way, via one of the platforms whereof I have been presenting my thoughts on what is most important to me – my religious path.

For it is solely my connection to G-d that has brought me through everything that I have been dealing with for decades. The aftermath of what I went through still resides in my heart, in need of redemption from the shadows that still surround that experience, so many years ago. What better way to reclaim my past, by bringing out into the light, what remains hidden, in the darkness of my psyche.

My background in psychology has helped me to review my experience in a more objective manner, than if I did not have that background; yet, the emotional components remain stuck to some degree, only showing up in ways that may be considered as maladaptive coping mechanisms with material that has yet to be resolved from the perspective of therapy. I am my own therapist; and, G-d is my mentor. This is how it’s been more or less, ever since I escaped from a New Age Millenarian therapy cult in 1994.

I may decide to create an accompanying video for each topic that I delve into, so as to go into more depth on that topic, in an up-front, candid, honest way, beyond what is possible through the more cerebral process of writing. For, I only now realized what has been influencing me subconsciously to withhold disclosure about my experience in the therapy cult: an implicit threat against talking about the nature of the therapy sessions, made by my therapist years ago.

Regret Me Not

As a ba’al teshuvah, I should feel more than ashamed for my past sinful ways, I should feel sincere regret. In other words, I should feel remorse for the way I lived my life, even though at the time, it was more or less like most of the peers my age in the secular world. What was typically viewed as normal teenage behaviors and activities for most of my peers, would be substandard by way of the values promoted by G-d’s kitvei kodesh (holy scripture).

I am currently part of a congregation, wherein we receive many orthodox and Hasidic visitors, especially over the summer. Sometimes, young Chassidic couples, newly married will spend Shabbat. This past Shabbat, one such couple was visiting; at lunch, they were seated nearby, across from the rabbi’s table where I sat. So, I was amongst several chasidim, including the rabbi.

I realized at some point later, that had I been raised properly, I could have been at the same level, so to speak, as the chasid sitting nearby. My cousins are chasidim who grew up in Borough Park. They are the descendants of my great-grandfather’s brother. So, two different lines of descendants from my great-great-grandfather, who was a Chassidic rabbi, ordained, yet probably did not lead an actual congregation, although he was highly respected.

Two sides of the family, completely different because of assimilation on my side of the family and commitment to tradition on the other. Yet, there is a reason for everything, and G-d’s intentions for each individual play out according to that person’s circumstances in life, regardless of yearning, in retrospect, for the grass greener on the other side. A visiting chasid, several weeks ago, made the point clear in an elaborate way, that I do not specifically recall; however, yes, H’Shem arranges everything for the best, to promote the spiritual growth of the soul.

shabbos reflections: Tradition

As Shabbos approaches, I have already said, “amein” after my mother lit candles, on Zoom according to halachic time on the East Coast. After welcoming Shabbat, I recited kiddush, we partook of motzei and ate our meals quietly, as if two thousand miles were condensed into two feet across the table. Now, back in my own time zone, so to speak, I am making the most of three hours until Shabbos begins. This would not have been possible, without the many circumstances that led to this new tradition. The Coronavirus is not without its blessings; although, I would not intend to diminish the overall tragic consequences for many people that have occurred in its wake.

Yet, for myself, I carry on, introvert that I am. For, my self-imposed shelter in place policy 24-7 provided much time for reflection. And, a prolific abundance of writings that I have mostly posted on my blogs. Overall, there is no way to measure these times, except within the framework of the big picture. As incident rates of Covid-19 decrease, we will not necessarily be entering the “new normal,” unless our minds are complacent. Rather we are already entering what is more akin to a brave new world, promoted by the technocracy, i.e., the means to manage the infrastructure, ideology, and economic system of the future. This will not lead to an utopia, rather, a dystopia; therefore, I will continue to cling to G-d, Torah, and acts of kindness, instead of the “new normal.”