Tag: existential crisis

Gotta Be Me

“Judaism is a gift of G-d. It is not something that we inaugurate, not our attainment, but our inheritance, the accumulated experience of ages. It is to be acquired, not produced.” – Abraham Joshua Heschel, Moral Grandeur & Spiritual Audacity

On my own personal spiritual journey, it was as if G-d was calling me, drawing me closer to Him. The ideal understanding that reached my heart was from my own learning and personal endeavor to comprehend the faith of my heritage, by seeking G-d in a manner that appealed to my Jewish sensibilities.

I began my journey as a ba’al teshuvah, as an individual quest. Today, it continues to be an individual plight, despite my connection to community; in fact, I have never actually felt the need to be dependent upon community. While it is true that community is meant to enhance one’s personal devotion to G-d, there is a dynamic continuum between self and community, wherein friction sometimes results.

Yet, on certain occasions, community has the potential to enhance one’s experience beyond expectation, despite any differences. Case in point, this past Shabbos I remained at shul all day until after havdallah. Three hours of conversation with some friends followed an early minchah. After they left, I had a late seudah shlishi (third meal) in solitude in the social hall. This was truly enriching to me, like a blessing from Above. Half a dozen of us gathered for a quiet maariv, where I was able to daven with kavanah at my own pace – another blessing.

Then, followed havdallah with the same people who davened maariv. As soon as we finished, some chasidim showed up and conducted another havdallah. They sang my favorite tune; so, I joined in for a second havdallah. I believe that H’Shem has shown me, that despite my recent concerns, and existential religious crisis, the spiritual journey, like life, is often bittersweet. I am fortunate to have been able to transcend the bitterness, if only for that one Shabbos.

Overshadowed by the Moon

Religious Existentialism: existential crisis of a religious nature

If community participation eclipses one’s personal sense of belief and practice, disallowing for creative growth, as if one is simply expected to absorb the specific emphasis of teachings, and the overall philosophy of a particular style of Judaism without questioning, reflection, or discussion, how can one thrive, except as a wilted flower? The burden of such a contrast in approach prevents the goods of the Jewish faith from reaching the individual’s uniqueness.

If one’s understanding is nuanced, different than the perspective, approach, and emphasis, then, an apparent disconnect may occur. Consider, that the spirit of Judaism includes the concept of the seventy facets of Torah, that should foster appreciation and respect for individual perspectives. Moreover, inquiry into Torah is validated by Torah itself, wherein the middle of the Five Books of Moses, the same word is repeated twice: darosh, darosh – inquire, inquire.

If an individual becomes overwhelmed by the collective set of understanding, pervasive stance, and repetitive style of rhetoric, this may result in diminishing the sense of awe and wonder that Judaism should inspire. Moreover, I do not want to be provided with the answers; I would like to focus on the questions. Therefore, I need to retreat in order to gain room to breathe.

My experience has reminded me of Heschel’s insight, regarding the importance “to rediscover the questions to which religion is an answer.” He explains that “the inquiry must proceed both by delving into the consciousness of man as well as by delving into the teachings and attitudes of the religious tradition” (G-d in Search in Man, ch.1).  I yearn to begin this exploration.