Tag: kavannah

on a personal note:

I am at my desk, nearly twenty-four hours a day, for I often fall to sleep at my desk. Yet, the time has arrived for me to question my motives, and activities. What do I do? Mostly I think, read, and write about G-d, religion, and scripture. However, this will not suffice. For, I have very little lived experience in actually serving G-d within the framework of an active compatible community. To what avail have I been attending services on Shabbos on a regular basis? Virtually none, for the pace of service is too fast for me to meaningful follow along. The interruptions and chatter are always present to some degree; and, additionally, there is no fertile opportunity for me to foster any sense of kavannah before during or after the service. Moreover, seudah (lunch) after services, is disappointing as well, even though at times, I do get to here an interesting dvar. Even so, mostly, the table(s) are full of mundane chatter about worldly topics, forbidden to speak about on Shabbos.

And, so, at my desk shall I remain until I am able to find another community for myself, according to H’Shem’s directive. Baruch H’Shem (Praise G-d), for taking me this far on the journey. As usual, I will need to move on at some point, perhaps, in the near future; that is to say, that it is typical in my life to change, and need to find somewhere else where there is “room to grow.” For now, I will take a break from attendance at the local shul where I have been davening in-person on Shabbos and holidays. After all, I still have the shul I attend on Zoom during the weekdays, as well as on Shabbos, early in the morning, inasmuch as I give myself a dispensation to do so, being that it is forbidden to use the internet on the Sabbath. It figures that all of these thoughts are preceded by my first ever purchase of a bottle of unkosher wine on Friday afternoon (under extenuating circumstances); perhaps, the treif wine has made my brain “loopy,” so to speak; although I feel as if I am “liberated” from the minutia of details, that plague the mind of an observant Jew. So be it, for now. I will remain on the derech (path); yet, I will tread mindfully as I walk along to eternity.

note: this blogpost was posted exactly at the end of Shabbat, erev 30 Nissan 5782.

Mishnah Insights: Berachos 4:2-3 – study & prayer

Mishnah Berachos 4:2-3

4:2 – One of the sages “would recite a brief prayer upon his entrance into the study hall and upon his exit” (sefaria.org), for the sake of the sanctification of his study time. He would say a prayer, before studying that he would not negatively influence others, by way of sharing a wrong understanding (G-d forbid), having the adverse impact of causing someone to err in his ways. After studying, his prayer encompassed an appreciation of having the opportunity to study, and his gratitude towards G-d for that opportunity.

Reflecting on this, I think about how much I take for granted, in regard to my ability to study with concentration, and the time allotment that I have for doing so. I have taken these studies upon myself, and though at times they feel like an arduous chore, at other times, I find an almost instantaneous reward, for having learned something of unique value.

Yet, I am too preoccupied, most of the time, to thank G-d for these opportunities. Furthermore, when I take creative license for my explanations, instead of going strictly “by the book,” I wonder if I have permitted myself too much of an interpretive rendering of my own. I should offer more thanks to G-d, and always pray for guidance in my words.

4:3 – Regarding a shortened version of the Shemonah Esrei prayer, this version may be said when one is lacking in concentration. The point is that it is better to recite less with kavannah (intentional focus) than to recite the full prayer without doing so in a meaningful way. Thus, as a side note, I would add that another way to put this would be to focus on “quality, rather than quantity.” Much consideration is given elsewhere, such as in the Mesillas Yesharim (Way of the Upright), concerning the importance of kavannah. This is something that I should always try to emphasize.

Reflections: Yom Kippur 5782

Staying Aloof During the Neilah Service

Trying to make the best of the moments, in retrospect, that was my intent while perusing the prayers in English, and remaining focused on the words, while the Hebrew was being sung, mostly by the Rabbi and chazan (cantor). So, on the one hand, the tunes are potent with emotion; on the other hand, even if I know the song, I prefer to read the English, since I can only pronounce the Hebrew, without knowing the meaning.

Only the jokes were distracting to me; even as I recognize their told for the bulk of the congregation, who need to be kept entertained. Yet, for anyone like myself, who is there in all sincerity, the jokes are irrelevant. Moreover, on Yom Kippur, especially during the part of the service, before the final al chet (penitent prayers), jokes seem entirely contradictory to the type of mind-set required at that point.

However, I somehow managed to stay aloof, in my own space, and continue to foster some sense of kavannah (intention) that reflected the appropriate mood. This was rewarding – thank G-d, because in the past I would only get frustrated. Yet, there are always tradeoffs in life; so, I decided to make the best of the situation, despite the style of service not meeting my selfish demands.

L’shannah tovah. Next year in Jerusalem.